I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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