you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The beers last night were like the tears from god
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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