I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
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first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
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Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
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