I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
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