We tried having a conversation with our noses.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
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Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
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My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize