I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Randomize