Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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