Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
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I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
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Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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