just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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