It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
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Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
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My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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