so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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