I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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