Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
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He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
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Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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