I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
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Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
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She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I need water and some morals
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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