Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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