I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
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