paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I think your dad took our porno
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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