If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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