She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
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He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
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Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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