blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
im on a boat
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