Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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