Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
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I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
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I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize