im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
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