I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize