why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize