I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Houston, we have a squirter
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize