A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
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Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
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Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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