If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize