Your dad touched me again.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize