farters have to be the big spoon...
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
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Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
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I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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