Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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