3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Randomize