I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
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i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
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Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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