I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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