i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
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It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
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I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
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