I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize