So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize