we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
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I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
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So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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