I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
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My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
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I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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