somebody snuck up and got me drunk
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
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Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
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The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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