You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
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So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
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For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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