The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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