He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
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It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
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The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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