Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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