I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
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So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
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Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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