I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
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