dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
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You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
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I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
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