im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
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Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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