A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
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we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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