If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
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i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
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I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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